Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
