why didn't you poke me back
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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