I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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