so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize