Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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