stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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