There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
