yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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