I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
