Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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