not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
