Apparently you make a good broom.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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