Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My pussy is not your playground.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
