i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This toilet bowl is my home.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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