I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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