WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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