Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
