you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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