Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
