I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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