the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
