this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize