i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
