i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
