My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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