So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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