i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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