life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
