so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
