I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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