I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
50% drunk capacity currently
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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