We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
