My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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