We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
