dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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