If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize