so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
