remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
