you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
don't judge my taste in strippers
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize