ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
