I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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