i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
