you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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