Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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