My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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