Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
