Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize