Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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