just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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