Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
