Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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