the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
