I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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