Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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