His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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