I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize