So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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