Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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