Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
