Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
